Trump picks Dr. Oz? Hey, who needs job qualifications!

Great news for Americans who hate science and morals and have always wanted a job they’re in no way qualified to get. Thanks to President-elect Donald Trump, the world is now our oyster.
With his Cabinet picks, ranging from a person best known for shooting her dog to a wildly disliked dipstick alleged to have had sex with an underage girl to (Lord have mercy) selecting noted huckster Dr. Mehmet Oz to lead the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services, the incoming president is showing Americans that things like competence, skills and even a rudimentary moral compass are no longer necessary to obtain high-level government positions. 
And science? You know, that stupid thing they tried to make you understand in school? Trump picked Robert F. Kennedy Jr. – the nation’s first fully fact-resistant human – to head up the Department of Health and Human Services. Let’s just say you’re now free to burn those science books, assuming you believe in combustion, which I definitely do not.
There are allegations swirling that former Rep. Matt Gaetz, who was being investigated by the House Ethics Committee before abruptly stepping down last week, was involved in drug-fueled sex parties in Florida. There are also reports of a hacked deposition from someone who claims Gaetz had sex with her when she was 17.
Gaetz has denied it all, but he’s also shown himself to be a numbnuts of immeasurable proportions. And you know what Trump wants that half-forehead/half-human mess to be? ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES!
It would be funny if we weren’t afraid laughing at such things might get us thrown in prison under the guy Trump is reportedly considering to lead the FBI. Kash Patel, a weird Trump loyalist with zero qualifications to head up a massive law enforcement agency, might well be the pick.
Opinion:I didn’t think Trump would do the unhinged things he said he’d do. What the heck?
We are witnessing the Golden Age of horrible, unqualified lunkheads being richly rewarded for doing literally nothing good. And let me tell you, I am here for it.
While this might mean bad things for the country, it means great things for my childhood dream of becoming a firetruck. Granted, I am not a truck. Nor do I know anything about fighting fires. And my morals are a bit dodgy, ’cause I go around effortlessly calling people lunkheads and numbnuts and whatnot. (In my defense, they are lunkheads and numbnuts.)
But by God, if Gaetz can be attorney general, I sure as hell can be a firetruck.
Opinion:Republicans should let Trump use recess appointments. They asked for this.
Now, in this magical moment of misfit-ery, is the time to update your LinkedIn page, highlight all your worst qualities and reach for the stars.
Have you dreamed of being a surgeon, despite zero medical training, poor personal hygiene and a fear of blood? By the standards Trump is setting, you should be as eligible as anyone to a pair of scrubs and a scalpel. In fact, it would help your case if you don’t believe in modern medicine and think all people can be healed via a tincture made from an unstudied Brazilian tree root.
Thinking about being a pilot even though your vision is terrible and you lost an arm after sticking it in an industrial fan for a laugh? The friendly skies are all yours. Just deny the existence of gravity, put a “MAGA 4 Life” sticker on your airline application and the next Boeing 737 is all yours.
Do you have a mild arson problem, a complete lack of curiosity and a visceral dislike of children? Great! Those qualities make you a perfect match for a teaching career in Trump’s post-Department-of-Education America.
Do you have a criminal record? LOL! Guess what? You can be president now!
The bottom line is this: If you’ve failed at most things in life and can’t figure out why nobody likes you, this is your moment. Get out there and be the thing you have absolutely no business being.
And remember, rain happens when angels cry, the biggest threat Americans face is fluoride and your high school science teacher Ms. Harrington was trying to indoctrinate you by making you believe in provable facts.
Go get ‘em, tiger.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk